A Grateful Heart Pt. 2: Working with Painful Emotions

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." - Epictetus

  Gratefulness, forgiveness and love are positive and joyous emotions that help us to heal and to grow in mind, body and spirit.  The more that we can cultivate and experience these emotions the better off we are.  Most of us are just beginning to realize the emotions come first and the circumstances of our lives follow rather than the other way around.  Instead of being happy when we get what we want, we get what we want when we are happy.  Of course, when we are already aware of our intrinsic happiness “things” don’t matter so much.

Depression, like anxiety, is a negative feedback loop.  What we think and feel is based on the circumstances of our lives, and the circumstances are based on how we think and feel.  The way to change is to break the cycle.  Change the way you think to change your world.  Many of us don’t realize however that our thinking is deeply rooted in unconscious beliefs.  In fact they are rooted in a belief system that is as intricate as a forest ecosystem.  Scientists who are brave enough to investigate the field of parapsychology have developed a massive amount evidence to support the theory that we are all interconnected at the level of our collective unconscious mind. 

Changing our beliefs and our feelings is a conscious process, something that we must work at consistently over a period of time.  As the Yoga Sutras teach spiritual transformation requires both consistent practice and non-attachment.  The first step is accepting ourselves fully as we are in the moment.  This means accepting all of the feelings that we don’t want or have been told we shouldn’t have.  As Carl Rogers stated, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."  This is the crux of psychotherapy and something that even many of us overlook in their zeal for transformation. 

We often increase our suffering due to our aversion to the thoughts and feelings we experience.  We try to deny the sadness, resentment, anxiety, envy or guilt that we feel.  When we suppress these feelings however they fester within us waiting to explode and overwhelm us at the right opportunity.  By refusing to accept, experience and examine them we make things worse.  Our personalities become warped and fragmented and our creative power is diminished. 

So the first step is to be aware and to experience.  On the other hand we must resist the tendency to justify, rationalize and defend beliefs and feelings that don’t serve us well.  Negative emotions affect our physical, mental and spiritual health and neither denying and suppressing nor rationalizing works to help us release them.  Mindful witnessing does.  As Pema Chödron writes, “To stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening.”  Let go of judgment and avoidance, rationalizing and defending.  Be aware of the underlying cognitions, the thoughts and beliefs upholding your emotional response.  Stay with them until you move into a deeper place within yourself where you realize that these thoughts and feelings are not you. 

“Spiritual realization,” writes Echhart Tolle, “is to see clearly that what I perceive, experience, think, or feel is ultimately not who I am.”  Our true nature is just basic awareness - however there is immense joy, freedom and empowerment in this recognition.  Once we are able to detach from our habitual thoughts and feelings we are free to choose new ones.  In the Yoga Sutras Patanjali recommends the practice of pratipaksha bhavana which is the yogic art of replacing negative thoughts and feelings with positive ones.  When we are able to do so we are exercising our own intrinsic freedom.  We are not the victims of circumstances, our past nor our passing moods and emotions.  We can choose our internal and external responses. 

The path to freedom begins with recognition of where we are stuck.  Negative emotions are like physical pain, they tell us that something is wrong.  Maybe something is wrong with our thoughts and attitudes, then again maybe something is wrong with the way we are being treated.  Awareness and objectivity allows us to discriminate between the two.  There is always a better approach to situations than guilt and resentment.  Again, once we recognize our inherent freedom we can choose our response.

Gratitude is a powerful healing attitude.  But for what and to what are we grateful?  If we are only grateful for the pleasant circumstances of our lives than we are open to resentment when things don’t go our way.  Our purpose here in this life is to awaken whether we realize it or not.  We are here to awaken from the dream of small-self-ego to the reality of Deep-Self.  Painful circumstances are helpful in our awakening, pleasant one often keep us dormant.  Great saints give thanks for their suffering because it helps them to purify themselves and enter more deeply into the freedom of their essential nature. 

This body is not you

This world is not your sanctuary

Look beyond the bright lights and the lull of the senses

Look deeper than your inherited beliefs

It’s all in your mind

But then again “you” are in your mind