When you are in love with somebody, you say you fell in love, but you should rise in love, not fall in love. When love becomes conditional, you fall and when love becomes unconditional, you rise. Unconditional love exists between God and humanity, and therefore we are always looking up to God as a source of inspiration and strength, care and affection.
– Swami Niranjananda Saraswati
Love is something we all struggle with to some degree. As ego-centered beings we can’t seem to live with nor without it. Our popular culture is full of songs about love; losing it, longing for it, falling in and out of it. Personally, I have had times when I doubted such a thing really exists. Instead of love many times we are talking about desire, attachment, possessiveness, dependence, security, etc. These are all aspects of conditional love which is all the ego is capable of.
Last week I attended a talk by Ram Dass. He said that he loved everything, all of us and even the inanimate objects around him. He talked about someone who became perturbed with him because the love he felt for him wasn’t special. “If you love the dirty carpet as much as you love me then I don’t like your love.” The ego always wants to feel special and this is a lot of what “falling in love” is all about. “He or she makes me feel so special.” But do we feel special at the expense of someone else? Do we need to compare ourselves with someone who not so special? Do I have to compete with the dirty rug for Ram Dass’ affection?
Many of us have been wounded in childhood because we didn’t get the unconditional love that truly healthy parents give to their children. We spend our lives looking for it, trying to be deserving of it, perhaps angry and bitter that the world is such a “cold place.” Perhaps, if we are lucky, we find a guru like Ram Das did who radiates unconditional love. The problem here is that such love is absolutely impersonal. We feel completely accepted, deeply loved as we are but not so special on the ego level.
I remember staying at the ashram in India with my guru and about a thousand other people. I looked around and noticed how they were all making fools of themselves competing for his attention like little children. Then I noticed my own strategies for competing for attention and affection. My primary strategy was to act more mature and aloof while actually hoping to solicit some affirmation. One day he called me over during satsang with a special message. I was sure he was going to give some personal guidance in my meditation or something. Instead he told me to be sure that my little daughter stayed warm as the weather was becoming cooler.
The ego is always thinking in terms of “me first.” It is competitive because it is afraid and insecure. We have to earn love, demand love, fight for it. In the light of unconditional love things are completely different. All we have to do is surrender to it. We have to let go of the need to feel special over and above somebody else. There is more than enough to go around. Unconditional love comes from the Self. It is all-pervasive. Like the sun it shines on the good and wicked alike. It is compassionate and forgiving. Once you have opened to its touch you are completely changed. The ego dissolves like sugar in water.
The ego’s problem is that it wants to feel loved but doesn’t know how to feel love. On this level of consciousness we long for what we can neither give nor receive. We can’t give love because we are busy defending ourselves and our personal territory. We can’t receive because we are afraid to let down those defensive walls. I think of the typical spy movie in which the hero must distrust the person he gets closest to. Our lives become intrigues of loneliness and despair. Unfortunately the territory that we so loyally defend doesn’t really exist. Our separate ego-self is an illusion.
Spiritual practice, sadhana, is about releasing our attachment to the illusion and opening to unconditional love. It is about letting go of the “me” in “me first.” At the same time it is about recognizing that underneath the “me” is the radiant “I am.” This radiant being is within us all as the Self. When we are able to discern the underlying reality then the ego-personality becomes more like a character in a movie. It is a temporary role that we are playing. We can develop a sense of humor about the whole thing. As Krishna states in the Bhagavad Gita:
I am ever present to those who have realized
me in every creature. Seeing all life as my
manifestation, they are never separated from
me. They worship me in the hearts of all, and
all their action proceed from me. Wherever
they may live, they abide in me. (6, 30-31)
So what about personal relationships? Most of us are on the path rather than actual realized masters. During meditation practice we might experience a degree of unity, but afterwards were back in the thick of illusion. Our personal relationships can become a battle of egos rather than recognition of the One who is shining within us. Patanjali gives us some guidance in the Yoga Sutras where he says, “Cultivate feelings of friendliness towards those who are happy, compassion for those who are suffering, goodwill towards those who are virtuous and indifference towards those who are wicked or evil.” By following these guidelines we are better able to keep from getting lost in our “roles.”
Another and complimentary approach is given by the Buddhist teacher Atisha. He suggests that in between meditation sessions that we consider the illusory quality of our experiences; or, as Pema Chodron translates, “In postmeditation, be a child of illusion.” In other words, don’t buy into the drama of the personality. Remember that you and everyone else are simply playing roles in the pageant of life.
Can we do this in our intimate personal relationships? This is the trickiest part of the path. Our love for each other on this level is always conditional to some degree. Can we be in a close personal relationship and see through “me” and “you?” If we are sincere in our sadhana it can be an ongoing opportunity to recognize and correct ourselves whenever we get lost in “me first.” At the same time each of us is a unique individual expression of the One which must be respected. It is not “spiritual” to be a doormat, any more than to be an aggressive dominator. Love means finding balance, mutual appreciation for each other, acceptance of each other’s unique perspective, an ability to forgive and to empathize, and the courage to be true to oneself.
There is a paradox at work in our spiritual development. The closer we get to the Universal Self, the more of a unique individual we are. Just as each flower opens to the sunlight when it blooms, we each follow our own course of growth and development. This is a far cry from the defended faux individuality of ego, it is a direct expression of the creative energy of the soul. Rising in love means having a deep respect for each other’s unique being and path, as well as the underlying unity of our beings. Unconditional love is not demanding or possessive, it is based on inner strength and awareness. When we love in this way we recognize each other as “children of illusion” playing in the fields of the Lord.
