Why Relationships Suck

Memories of the past and expectations of the future cause pain, anxiety, and fear. Expectations in life are bondage. Don't expect anything from anybody and don't expect anything from yourself, but just be what you are.
~ Swami Niranjanananda Saraswati

The ultimate state of Love is freedom, absolute freedom and any relationship that destroys freedom is not worthwhile. Love is a sacred art. To be in Love is to be in a holy relationship.
-Osho

Suffering in relationships arises from the same spiritual affliction that all suffering does: attachment.  Yesterday I was talking with a young man who was in terrible suffering over his relationship with his wife.  He experienced severe jealousy whenever she interacted with other men.  At these times he would feel anxious and desperate as if his world was falling apart.  Unfortunately these painful emotions were causing his wife to feel alienated. 

Because he was on a spiritual path, he knew that the problem was within himself (unlike some who insist that their partner is at fault and must change.)  This recognition of personal responsibility for one’s own feelings is a great step forward in one’s evolution.  Unfortunately it doesn’t anesthetize the pain.  Instead we must face that pain, allow it into awareness and accept that the fear of abandonment is a powerful unconscious force within us.  On that primitive level abandonment equals death.  Most of our intimate personal relationships are based in trying to ameliorate this primal fear. 

Attachment/clinging is part of our biology.  It is hardwired in our brains as a means of survival.  Unfortunately some of our primitive drives can interfere with our personal spiritual evolution.  In other words they can mess with our bliss.  Fear, jealousy, anger and pride are all expressions of attachment.  Yogis, shamans and mystics throughout the ages have recognized the necessity of solitude as a discipline for gaining some perspective on these powerful emotions.  Through solitude and meditation it is possible for one to develop the strength of awareness to overcome these primitive emotional drives. 

The great Tibetan yogi, Milarepa, is a role model for a serious yoga aspirant. He was able to live apart from society in a frozen cave for untold years and not only survive but experience great joy.  In The Songs of Milarepa he wrote:

“My narrow bed gives me ease to stretch and bend; my thin clothing makes my body warm; my scanty fare satisfies my belly. I am the goal of every great meditator; I am the meeting place of the faithful; I am the coil of birth and death and decay. I have no preference for any country; I have no home in any place; I have no store of provisions for my livelihood. I have no fondness for material things; I make no distinction between clean and unclean in food; I have little torment of suffering. I have little desire for self-esteem; I have little attachment or bias; I have found the freedom of Nirvana. I am the comforter of the aged; I am the playmate of children; the sage, I wander through the kingdoms of the world. I pray that ye men and gods may dwell at ease.”

Of course we might also recoil from this example.  It might seem too far of a stretch from where we are.  It might seem inhumanely detached and unfeeling.  We are often attached to our attachment.  Awakening from attachment reveals that our life has been a dream.  It is not so much that nothing is real as that we have been seeing it through a fog of imagination.  As long as we continue to choose to live in that fog we continue to proliferate suffering. 

Another Being is not one’s possession or territory.  She or he is another sacred being on a path that leads beyond this world.  We are here to loosen our attachments not to intensify them.  Relationships are a way of helping us to awaken, if we pay attention inwardly; if we are “mindful.”  We must learn to honor and respect ourselves and others as sacred beings.