Illigitimi non carbrorundum.
- Anon.
There’s no question that other people can sometimes be a pain. As much as we practice meditation, positive thinking and try to maintain an attitude of compassion someone always comes along to push our buttons. Suddenly the inner peace is gone and we’re fuming. Certain people just get on our nerves and some seem to go out of their way to do so. Or perhaps some people seem to cause us to feel insecure, undermine our confidence or otherwise bring us down. Based on our encounters we might feel uplifted or we might feel angry, resentful of self-pitying. For those of us on the path of yoga, the question arises, “How do I maintain my inner calm when I have to deal with these (fill in the blank)?”
Meditation is a practical means for dealing with life not just a means for altering consciousness to achieve a “legal high.” (It does work though.) The goal is to achieve an inner steadiness or equanimity. As the Bhagavad Gita states, “Yoga is complete evenness of mind.” Through consistent practice and the cultivation of non-attachment we can develop an unshakable inner peace. We develop an inner harbor in the face of life’s storms. The problem is that we can’t really change the world around us unless or until we make some inner changes; until we train our minds.
In the Yoga Sutras Patanjali offers some invaluable guidance for dealing with others in the world. In the first chapter, verse 33, he tells us, “By cultivating friendliness towards happiness and compassion towards misery, gladness towards virtue and indifference towards vice, the mind is purified.” This practice is basically a way of developing mindfulness in daily life. It requires self-awareness first and foremost.
Maitri, or friendliness is Patanjali’s first prescription. When we encounter people who are happy there might be a tendency to be envious at times, to be judgmental or to compare ourselves and our lot. It is important to notice and to admit these feelings to ourselves. Instead of comparing ourselves we can join them and share in their happiness. Why not? Envy and self-pity are wastes of time and energy and they mess up our meditation (kill the buzz.)
Karuna, or compassion is the second prescription. When we encounter people who are suffering we might feel imposed upon, frustrated, even afraid that their suffering might be contagious. Compassion arises when we can be aware of these feelings and cultivate patience and kindness. Compassion is not the same as co-dependence or enabling however. A kind act or a few kind words can do a lot. Suffering is universal and relative. It helps to remember that we have been or may be in the same situation.
Mudita, or gladness is the third prescription. Gladness means an attitude of goodwill. When someone is outstanding in some way we might feel inadequate, or maybe even ashamed. Sometimes there is a tendency to look for fault, or to bring that person down to our level. Mudita means joining with them and thereby raising ourselves to their level.
Upekshanam, or indifference, is the fourth prescription. This means developing a non-judgmental attitude towards others with whom we find fault. Instead of reacting to others’ negative behaviors we can practice acceptance and neutrality. This is not in reference to the criminal violation of others’ rights. But when people are rude, negative, insulting, callous, etc. we can simply choose to disengage from them. This may be the hardest one for us to practice. If you have a bumper sticker that says, “I don’t get mad. I get even,” then you may need to learn upekshanam.
How do we begin to practice developing these attitudes? First of all is to be aware of our own inner responses. Repressing them won’t work. Instead be willing to look at, feel and learn about yourself from your inner responses. Our responses to others come from within us. Others are often reflections of our own unconscious shadow. So let’s begin by developing friendliness, compassion, goodwill and acceptance towards ourselves. It is amazing how others change in response!
Resources:
