Relationships On and As a Spiritual Path

There are no different categories of love. There isn’t one kind of love between a mother and a child, another between lovers, and another between friends. The love that is real is the love that lies at the heart of all relationships. That is the love of God and it doesn’t change with form or circumstance.

- Marianne Williamson


Relationships can be difficult. Families, friends and lovers all have conflicts, highs and lows. Sometimes things can seem to be working perfectly only to fall apart the next moment. Sometimes we can feel lost and isolated only to realize that we overlooked obvious sources of love and support. Oftentimes we get so caught up in ego and intellect that we obscure the ever-present love inside and all around us.

When we approach relationships from a purely self-centered attitude and perspective we get into trouble. Ultimately, from the perspective of ego, love does not exist and others are simply objects without independent needs or feelings to be exploited by whatever means necessary. We might say that the ego is the sociopath lurking within us behind a thin veneer of civility. As such the ego will lie, cheat, manipulate, rationalize, deny and become violently aggressive to protect itself from perceived annihilation. Real love threatens to expose the ego’s inherent nonexistence.

Behind the ego though is the essential self who is love incarnate. When the ego’s defenses are let down through meditation, prayer, falling in love or perhaps a life-threatening experience then this essential being is brought to the surface. The separate “I” gives way to the greater Self. The spiritual path is the process of breaking down the ego’s barriers to open to the awareness of love.

Intimate relationships can be great tools for spiritual growth. We can use both the joy and the friction to help us to awaken. The first step might be to become mindful of the ego’s involvement. Joy is the sign that we are open on a deeper level. At a certain point the ego will reassert itself and use its defenses to pull back from that intensity. It will unconsciously create conflict in order to reestablish itself. Abiding love and joy are present within any and all circumstances. The ego loves to involve itself in the drama. The Self simply witnesses.

When a couple, family or group meditates together regularly the friction subsides and the power of ego dissipates. We need relationships, however, to reflect back to us the places we are closed down and ego-centric. As Jung wrote, "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." If we are willing and able to observe ourselves in this way we can not only develop more harmonious relationships but can evolve on the spiritual path.

From the yogic perspective we can understand the ego as a product of attachment. The awakening of love takes us beyond attachment; beyond the notions of subject and object into the field of non-duality. “Love is not different from the Self.” states Ramana Maharshi. “Love of an object is of an inferior order and cannot endure. Whereas the Self is Love, in other words, God is Love.” Rumi states, “There is no Love greater than Love with no object. For then you, yourself, have become love itself.”

As we practice our various sadhanas (spiritual methods) on the path we inevitable fall back into ego and attachment time and again until by the power of our persistence they fall away. A sadhana that we can use in all relationships was given by Rumi when he wrote:

Listen with ears of tolerance!

See through the eyes of compassion!

Speak with the language of love!

If we can stop ourselves and ask if indeed we are listening with tolerance, seeing with compassion and speaking with kindness, our relationships will become transformed into a true spiritual method. We might call this “rising” rather than “falling” in love.