More on Yoga and Relationships

Real love is not an escape from loneliness, the real love is an overflowing aloneness. One is so happy in being alone that one would like to share — happiness always wants to share. It is too much, it cannot be contained; like the flower cannot contain its fragrance, it has to be released. – Osho


Relationships are necessarily a part of life. Everything in life is interrelated; one cannot exist without relating to something or somebody. Good relationships enhance our quality of life, health and ability to serve others. Still we often find ways to sabotage our relationships, to create stress, unhappiness and unhealthiness. A good relationship can be like a port in the storm of life. A bad one can be living hell.

The spiritual path requires a conscious choice to work on ourselves, to push the limits of our comfort zone and to be willing to surrender our personal needs and desires for a greater truth; a greater reality. As Rumi says, “What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle. Your boundaries are your quest.” The spiritual search sometimes requires us to turn away from “common sense,” from the collective opinions of our family, friends and society. In fact, it is only when we are able to push beyond our cultural programming that we can start to glimpse reality.

On the other hand, rebellion can be self-destructive. We don’t have to tear down everything, simply be willing to look beyond our inherited preconceptions. Remember the spiritual path is about going beyond illusion, i.e. the illusion of separateness. All of our personal relationships are based on this illusion. However, it is a principal of yoga that we can use illusion to transcend it. We can use our dream relationships as a means of awakening.

According to Ram Dass, many relationships become stuck at the level of Manipura chakra; the center of personal power and control. As I work with couples in my counseling practice, I find time and again that control issues lie at the heart of conflicts. Love has to do with the heart chakra, Anahata. When our energies get stuck on the level of control, we are not open to love. Love never seeks to control. Instead its power has to do with influence; by example, through connection and energy. As the Chrissie Hynde sings, “When love walks in the room everybody stands up.” Love is accepting not controlling.

This is where meditation comes in. Mindful meditation means allowing and experiencing all of our cognitive-emotional programs (samskaras) without judging or reacting. It allows us to get unstuck through transcendence. It is through the deeper perspective of witnessing awareness that we can let go of the thoughts and emotional patterns that keep us running around in circles. We have to do this work on ourselves in solitude in order to relate more effectively to others. We have to learn to see through our own ego-illusions first and foremost. Our relationships, though, give us fuel for our meditation. They stir up stuff from our subconscious and allow it to become present in our awareness.

Spiritual authenticity requires us to be completely responsible for our own thoughts and feelings. We can’t blame anyone else besides ourselves for where we are stuck. Each of us has our own individual path to walk.

Ultimately the path is about reconnecting with our inner being of joy and love. We are the ones we have been searching for. We can’t find true love outside of ourselves, but once we find it we can share it. Once we share it with another, it can grow and spread. There are too many people wandering around miserable in this world. Love opens us to our true nature – Being, Consciousness, Bliss. Let’s wake up together.