Are You My Soul Mate?

Love is a union with somebody, or something, outside oneself, under the condition of retaining the separateness and integrity of one’s own self. It is an experience of sharing, or communing, which permits the full unfolding of one’s own inner activity.
~Erich Fromm

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.
~Rumi

Once in the middle of protracted and bitter breakup she said, “I believe you are my soul mate.” 

“Hmmm . . .,” I said mostly to myself. 

I had not yet given any thought to the subject.  There had been a recent book on it released in the new age world and I was suspicious of the whole idea.  More so because our “soul mate” relationship had devolved into mutual abuse, attempts at manipulation and recrimination.  If it was a “soul” relationship it seemed to be a partnership in Hell.  It was a battle of egos from which we both came away with multiple wounds and perhaps had learned a lesson or two. 

The spiritual tradition of Yoga is not big on relationship advice.  Yoga discipline is mainly about turning inward, examining and releasing the cognitive-emotional programs (samskaras) within us that block us from realizing our true nature as unlimited consciousness.  Conventional relationships can support spiritual work, sadhana, but most often they are distractions that keep us from entering into the peace within.  Sex is definitely problematic.  If we are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that sexual desire is basically uncontrollable.  “Resistance is futile.”  Not that some spiritual heroes have not overcome it.

The Tantric view, the path of awareness, suggests that there is nothing to “overcome.”  Instead of fighting we transcend.  This doesn’t mean retreating or rejecting but allowing and witnessing; being aware of ourselves without judgment.  Being present without judgment is love.  Guilt, accusation, shame and blame are all antithetical to love; whether turned towards oneself or another.  We allow everything to be as it is in the open space of awareness.  At the same time we gently apply some discipline.  The discipline, however, is just to increase awareness.

All relationships begin with one’s self and end with One Self.  We get stuck in personal relationships when we fail to move beyond our limited personal views.  We get stuck sometimes in the concept of the “relationship” as if it were something real instead of the illusory play of two illusory egos.  Problems always start when we start to take ourselves too seriously. 

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

We can’t really love from the standpoint of “just you and me, baby.”  It sounds romantic but it is an evolutionary cull-du-sac on a spiritual level.  Love is expansive, it doesn’t confine itself to one object.  Like the sun it radiates in all directions nourishing all.  In order to know love we have to go beyond our ego-centric view.  Love is the power of transcendence.  It is Kundalini.  When two people can share this love they are truly soul mates. 

From a karmic perspective, we all have karmic connections in this life.  Most relationships serve to work out past karma.  This does not mean they are soul relationships.  A true soul relationship is based on a mutual vow to wake up together. 

Love and Wisdom

Your gentleness should have heart, strength. In order that
your compassion doesn't become idiot compassion, you have to use your
intelligence. Otherwise, there could be self-indulgence of thinking that
you are creating a compassionate situation when in fact you are feeding the
other person's aggression. – Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

-    Joni Mitchell

Sometimes we might think that love and compassion entails letting another person have their own way.  We might believe that true love involves enduring another’s disregard for our own feelings.  To some extent this is very true: we have to reach beyond our own self-centered desires.  On the other hand, by not asserting oneself one may be enabling another to remain unconscious. 

When I was a university undergraduate I made friends with an exchange student from Kuwait.  “Kahlid” and I spent some time together as I learned about his culture and sympathized with his difficulties in ours.  Unfortunately this included his addiction to alcohol and prostitutes.  One day he was looking for friends to hang out and get high with and he came to me.  I told him that I needed to study but he continued to press me and I gave in.  He told me, “You are my only friend because you are willing to put aside your needs for me.” 

Out of necessity I had to distance myself from my friend in order to survive at the university.  He ended up failing miserably and having to go back home to face humiliation.  Fortunately for him his family was extremely wealthy and it probably didn’t matter much.  It was a lesson for me though.  Often what we call compassion is behavior that is not healthy for us or the other person.  We both needed to use self-discipline and attend to our studies rather than give in to self-indulgence.

Within our ego-centric consciousness love has many guises and disguises.  Our problem is that from the ego-perspective we cannot know love.  In fact we are busy defending against it.  Love is like a tsunami that cascades through the boundaries of our separateness.  You don’t love until you let it annihilate you.  It is not a game of give and take.  When you truly love there is no self or other.  There is only love.

Our word “love,” though, seems to fit diverse meanings.  It can mean attachment, desire, infatuation, obsession, possession, etc.  Many of our favorite “love songs” are based on this kind of love.  We might call this lower chakra love.  It is worldly love based in avidya.  When we are rooted in avidya, “ignorance,” and asmita, “ego-identification,” we are not in love.  Interestingly, our English word love is based on Indo-European roots.  The Sanskrit lobha means “greed.”  Through flowers, poems, songs etc., we try to dress up this basic desire to make it appear to be something special.  In reality our notion of love is nothing more than the desire to possess another.  Of course we all want someone to want us as well.

Compassion means something quite different.  To feel compassion means to empathize, to be deeply aware of another’s suffering and desire to relieve it.  True compassion arises from a different center, from anahatha.  It is still selfish; we feel another’s pain so much that we need to relieve that suffering within ourselves as well.  One the other hand it is recognition of our interconnectedness.  Those of us who are more highly empathetic are prone to “compassion fatigue.”  In this condition we “burnt out” and unable to care anymore.  We have felt so deeply and tried so hard to help that we have exhausted our feeling capacity.  The antidote is mindfulness or nonattachment.  We have to be aware of our suffering and the suffering of others from a more expansive perspective.  When we are able relax into an expanded awareness we realize that all of this suffering is based in a shared limited view.  We become a witness to the drama rather than being involved in it. We can laugh at ourselves and our belief in our ability to “save the world.”

Usually when we talk of love we mean some mixture of desire and compassion.  We are attracted physically and we get to know each other on a deeper level.  This gives way sooner or later to an emotional wrestling match where we are both caring about the other while trying to get him or her to meet our needs and desires.  We might use the sense of compassion as a means of blackmail: “If you really loved me . . .” Then again we might feel guilty when we wish the other would be more considerate, ambitious, tidy, whatever.  Relationships often get stuck at the level of manipura, they become a power struggle.  Imagine a relationship based on mutual compassion and beyond that, a mutual attunement to the loving awareness that flows in and through the universe. 

Spiritual love, aka Agape, is of a higher order.  It is transpersonal.  When we begin to experience this kind of love we go beyond the concept of an object.  It isn’t about “I love you,” but more, “I love.”  As we further evolve in this process it may be more like “Love is all.”  (Yes, thanks to Lennon and McCartney)  One’s separate self begins to dissolve like a dream upon awakening.  We love and value ourselves all others and everything as expressions of One Love.  Personal relationships can continue on this level but they are subsumed into the higher order of awareness.  They are “surrendered.” 

Because of our dichotomous thinking, we tend to believe that love and intelligence, or wisdom, are somehow separate.  True intelligence is based in love and compassion; the wisdom of the heart.  As we awaken attachment diminishes.  We are not these bodies, so how could love be physically based?  We are not our minds, so how could it be dependent on our beliefs?  Our essence is pure loving awareness.  Love has its own wisdom.  It discriminates between what is real and what is unreal; what is Self and what is not.  

Being Love

"Eternity is in love with the productions of time." – William Blake

To truly love, one must be free from ego-centric desire.  We have to relinquish the “what’s-in-it-for-me?” attitude.  We have to let go.  Of course, this makes no sense from the conventional, “common sense” perspective.  From the conventional perspective love is a form of madness where one loses all judgment.  Judgment is one of the ego’s fondest strategies. On the other hand one can lose one’s ability to discriminate through desire, alcohol, drugs and other intoxicating behaviors.  To truly love means to go beyond ego while addiction, infatuation, etc. is a regression to a more primitive, pre-egoic state.

Love is our essential nature.  The universe is a manifestation of God’s love.  It is an immediate manifestation of the loving awareness present within each of us.  Love is equivalent to ananda, bliss.  When we are in love we experience a blissful awareness.  Unfortunately this often fades as we slip back into the comfortable, self-protective habits of ego.  Love is an awakening to authentic being while ego is more like a comforting rock under which we hide.  To truly love doesn’t just mean vulnerability, it means being willing to admit that you don’t exist.

We are agents of a higher power that we call love.  We think that we can limit this power to suit our needs.  The basic sense of a marriage contract is that I will love only you if you love only me.  In reality this has always been a recipe for infidelity.  Either we want to be together or we don’t.  The contract violates our very nature.  It prohibits change and growth.  The more we try to control the situation the more we mess it up.  Love is not a contract.  It is our essential nature, an openly flowing energy of eternal delight.

When we are truly open and aware of who we are, all of the conventional roles are exposed as masks.  We are not these bodies.  We are not our mind constructs. We are beings of bliss-consciousness.  Wake up to the dream.

Why Relationships Suck

Memories of the past and expectations of the future cause pain, anxiety, and fear. Expectations in life are bondage. Don't expect anything from anybody and don't expect anything from yourself, but just be what you are.
~ Swami Niranjanananda Saraswati

The ultimate state of Love is freedom, absolute freedom and any relationship that destroys freedom is not worthwhile. Love is a sacred art. To be in Love is to be in a holy relationship.
-Osho

Suffering in relationships arises from the same spiritual affliction that all suffering does: attachment.  Yesterday I was talking with a young man who was in terrible suffering over his relationship with his wife.  He experienced severe jealousy whenever she interacted with other men.  At these times he would feel anxious and desperate as if his world was falling apart.  Unfortunately these painful emotions were causing his wife to feel alienated. 

Because he was on a spiritual path, he knew that the problem was within himself (unlike some who insist that their partner is at fault and must change.)  This recognition of personal responsibility for one’s own feelings is a great step forward in one’s evolution.  Unfortunately it doesn’t anesthetize the pain.  Instead we must face that pain, allow it into awareness and accept that the fear of abandonment is a powerful unconscious force within us.  On that primitive level abandonment equals death.  Most of our intimate personal relationships are based in trying to ameliorate this primal fear. 

Attachment/clinging is part of our biology.  It is hardwired in our brains as a means of survival.  Unfortunately some of our primitive drives can interfere with our personal spiritual evolution.  In other words they can mess with our bliss.  Fear, jealousy, anger and pride are all expressions of attachment.  Yogis, shamans and mystics throughout the ages have recognized the necessity of solitude as a discipline for gaining some perspective on these powerful emotions.  Through solitude and meditation it is possible for one to develop the strength of awareness to overcome these primitive emotional drives. 

The great Tibetan yogi, Milarepa, is a role model for a serious yoga aspirant. He was able to live apart from society in a frozen cave for untold years and not only survive but experience great joy.  In The Songs of Milarepa he wrote:

“My narrow bed gives me ease to stretch and bend; my thin clothing makes my body warm; my scanty fare satisfies my belly. I am the goal of every great meditator; I am the meeting place of the faithful; I am the coil of birth and death and decay. I have no preference for any country; I have no home in any place; I have no store of provisions for my livelihood. I have no fondness for material things; I make no distinction between clean and unclean in food; I have little torment of suffering. I have little desire for self-esteem; I have little attachment or bias; I have found the freedom of Nirvana. I am the comforter of the aged; I am the playmate of children; the sage, I wander through the kingdoms of the world. I pray that ye men and gods may dwell at ease.”

Of course we might also recoil from this example.  It might seem too far of a stretch from where we are.  It might seem inhumanely detached and unfeeling.  We are often attached to our attachment.  Awakening from attachment reveals that our life has been a dream.  It is not so much that nothing is real as that we have been seeing it through a fog of imagination.  As long as we continue to choose to live in that fog we continue to proliferate suffering. 

Another Being is not one’s possession or territory.  She or he is another sacred being on a path that leads beyond this world.  We are here to loosen our attachments not to intensify them.  Relationships are a way of helping us to awaken, if we pay attention inwardly; if we are “mindful.”  We must learn to honor and respect ourselves and others as sacred beings.  

On Being Really Stupid

Samsara is the mind turned outwardly, lost in its projections. Nirvana is the mind turned inwardly, recognizing its true nature. ~Sogyal Rinpoche

Perception is a mirror not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind, reflected outward. ~ A Course In Miracles

We are all deeply involved in samsara.  This means we are all busy creating suffering for ourselves and others while believing that we are seeking happiness.  The root cause of this is avidya or “ignorance.”  For now we can just call it universal stupidity.  It’s the reason we’re all here.  Of course we’re also here to help us wise up. 

Like everyone else in this world of ours, I am deep into my own stupidity.  However, I am among those of us who are interested in waking up.  Because of this I pay attention to my thoughts and emotions and I differentiate between them and my essential self.  I am also aware (sometimes) that the “world” that I encounter through my senses is a neuro-psychic hallucination.  Because I am pretty much just like everyone else I can also get lost in fear, lust, anger, jealousy, need for control, guilt and/or desire.  We pick our poison based on our unconscious predispositions, or samskaras.

Ego, in the spiritual sense, is just our false identification with our mind.  We tend to believe that “my mind” is somehow not the same as “your mind.”  In reality it is all Mind.  No matter how you try you cannot escape the fact that everything we experience is a predicate of Mind.  So this is how I have been really stupid for a long time.  I have fallen into the belief that I am a body and that I am somehow separate from everyone and everything.  I have swallowed the narrative fed to me by my culture, family, religious upbringing, friends, enemies, lovers, media celebrities even.  I have nothing to do with any of that.  It is all hallucination for me and on a group scale.  At the same time it does have meaning.  We have pay attention because it reflects who we think we are. 

Pay attention but don’t believe the hype.  Be true to your Self.  This is our dream and we can make of it what want and we can choose to fully awaken.

The Pursuit of Happiness

To set up what you like against what you dislike
is the disease of the mind.
When the deep meaning of things is not understood
the mind's essential peace is disturbed to no avail.

-          Hsing Hsing Ming

We all want to be happy but many of us don’t know what happiness is.  We think that it depends upon the people, the objects or the circumstances of our lives.  We are always striving to makes things work so that we can be happy.  The right job or relationship, wealth, free time, social status, etc. are all essential ingredients for happiness, right?  But most of the time we find that something is amiss in this recipe and our beautiful soufflé fails.  Sometimes everything we desire falls into place either through hard work or luck and we still feel some brooding sense of discontent.  We end up wondering what it takes to make us happy. 

I remember once when my mother bought a new bicycle for me.  I had begged for it for months.  My old bike was worn out, the paint was chipped and scratched.  The frame was dented and I was just tired of it.  The new bike was so cool.  It had small wheels, big handle bars and a banana seat perfect for doing “wheelies.”  When I rode it to school the first day everyone commented on what a cool bike I had.  I pretended to be modest but I was proud and happy.  After a couple of weeks the charm started to wear off.  No one paid attention anymore and it was just another bike.  It started to show some wear and tear and I forgot about how wonderful it had originally seemed.  In fact I stopped taking good care of it.  One day I rode it to the store where we used to buy our candy and sodas, left it unsecured while I went to get my goodies and came back out to find that it had been stolen.  Even though I had grown used to it, I was now devastated.  My cool bike was gone and I knew that we couldn’t afford to replace it. 

Some important lessons were imbedded in this experience.  First of all, appreciate what you have and take care of it.  Second, things are temporary in our lives and can be lost at any time.  Third, as Mom explained, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”  On a deeper level there were lessons that would take time to reveal themselves after more similar incidents.  Perhaps I shouldn’t be too concerned with whether people are impressed by my possessions.  Most deeply: happiness, pride, joy even love which is based upon some temporary condition in life is as unstable as the circumstances which support it.  All of these are aspects of what the Buddha referred to as “impermanence.” 

When we depend on some condition for happiness we set ourselves up for misery.  After a few weeks or days even, that perfect job begins to show its flaws.  There’s a coworker I can’t stand, a particular task that becomes onerous, a new supervisor takes over and changes everything.  Pretty soon I’m hanging out with friends complaining about our jobs.  Fortunately misery loves company.  The same happens with romance.  We meet someone and they make us ecstatic for awhile.  Pretty soon we begin to see their faults and their less attractive qualities.  After awhile we start to annoy each other, quarrel and make each other and ourselves unhappy.  Then we hang out with our friends and complain about our “other.”  We can’t find happiness but we can find solace for our misery pretty easily. 

There is another kind of happiness that we can discover within ourselves.  It is the happiness inherent within our essential nature as bliss-consciousness.  We don’t have to pursue this happiness.  We just have to let it arise as we let go of grasping after this or that condition.  Whether it is wealth and possessions, romantic relationships, career success, social status, family unity, even being of service to others; these are all very nice but unnecessary adjuncts to true happiness.  True happiness is unconditional, happiness for no reason.  We can discover this happiness through the practice of meditation.