Love, Attachment & Nonattachment

Yoga says no to detachment. Do not avoid situations in life or even in yourself, but learn to accept the existence of the things that are around you. Once you have accepted them and know their nature, then it is possible to become non-attached. The word 'non-attachment' does not really exist in English, but it exists in Sanskrit in the form of vairagya, meaning to to be free from attachment, without rejecting anything. It represents a state of mind that is continuously observing the nature of events and is unaffected. Non-attachment can easily be developed provided we can expand our awareness to see the reality behind things.

-    Swami Niranjanananda Saraswati

http://www.yogamag.net/archives/1999/fnov99/anda.shtml

Nonattachment, or vairagya, is an essential aspect of yoga practice however few of us in the West really get it.  When I talk about it with classes it often sparks a reaction – anxious questions and debate.  I think this is partly due to our lack of understanding of the term but also the depth of our unconscious attachment.  On one hand people often feel that nonattachment equals detachment; a cold, unfeeling approach to life.  On the other, here in our consumer society we feel our very identity is threatened by the idea of nonattachment.

 This is partly true.  From the Yogic perspective our sense of “I” or ego is connected to the twin snares of attachment and aversion.  The yogi cultivates nonattachment as a means of diminishing the ego.  It is a means of switching our allegiance from the unreal to the real.  In order to evolve as spiritual beings we need to expand consciousness beyond our self-centered perspectives.

The question has come up as to whether there is something “wrong” with the attachment a parent feels for her child.  The attachment bond between child and caregiver (okay, mother) is essential to the wellbeing of a child and the failure of this bond can affect the rest of his or her life.  There is certainly nothing wrong with this.  We are so prone to feel guilty about our natural needs and desires sometimes that we completely misinterpret these instructions.

What happens, however, when the mother or child clings to the other beyond the appropriate developmental stages?  Then development can be impeded, conflicts arise and deep emotional disturbance can result.  Children need to “leave the nest” at some point and we as parents need to let go.  It is not that we don’t love them but we don’t cling to old form of the relationship.  Nonattachment means understanding that nothing in this world is permanent.  We have to know when to go with the flow.

As adults we develop various attachment relationships.  We all want to have others in our lives that we trust and feel secure with.  True psychological health requires that we develop our own sense of inner security.  Without it we are not able to have truly healthy adult relationships.  In this sense relationship issues offer us a mirror into our own unconscious fears and desires.  Spiritual growth requires that we can experience, tolerate and learn to love solitude as well.

It can be difficult at times to distinguish between love and attachment in our adult relationships.  When we confuse one for the other, though, the relationships can become stagnant and hinder the higher stages of adult development.  In The Path to Love, Deepak Chopra offers three comparisons which can help us to distinguish love and attachment:

“Love allows your beloved the freedom to be unlike you.  Attachment asks for conformity to your needs and desires.

Love imposes no demands.  Attachment expresses an overwhelming demand – “Make me feel whole.”

Love expands beyond the limits of two people.  Attachment tries to exclude everything but two people.”

Love in this sense might be much more of an ideal than a reality in our lives.  The spiritual path requires that we learn to see ourselves somewhat objectively – honestly and fearless, but with compassion at the same time.  It is a process of growth not of self judgment and condemnation.  This in fact is the essence of true vairagya.

In the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali defines two stages of vairagya.  The lower stage is defined as freedom from the craving for sense objects.  It is an inner state of equanimity – again something that we in the West rarely experience.  The higher stage of vairagya develops when attachment has been transferred completely from the outer world to Spirit.  When we are truly awake spiritually there is no inclination to become attached to anything and unconditional Love flows spontaneously in all directions.